spontaneous combustion...

it feels like i'm going to explode at any random second and that explosion would look just like the picture to your right. my heart (literally) is average sized or small if you will but (figuratively, metaphorically) it covers the world not once but two, three, four, five... an infinite amount of times. i call it my beautiful disaster. you might be asking yourself what would bring me to call it such a thing? well.. i've loved a lot and have suffered a lot.

i love a lot of things in life and a lot of people. i love waking up in the morning to the sun shining through my window. i love "good morning" text messages. i love holding hands with a special person. i love listening to a person's heartbeat. thump, thump, thump. such a powerful, underestimated, hardly ever acknowledged sound that the most powerful organ in our body makes. i could be angry, sad, hating myself for feeling all of these negative emotions towards things i have no control over.. things which keep going wrong no matter what i do, but all i have to do is be still, be silent, and listen... listen to the heart that keeps on keeping on no matter what life throws my way. i could want to punch a hole through the wall or through someone's face for that matter but my heart knows better so therefore, i know better.

i think with my heart. i've doubted many of its decisions but everything happens for a reason and i'm still breathing. my heart is still beating. that has to count for something, right? sometimes, i catch myself wishing i was someone else. an imaginative figure who doesn't feel any emotion, who goes throughout life taking care of business, doing what needs to be done to survive, and "get his/hers." then i open my eyes and realize that's no way to live life. people will let you down but many others will do right by you. people will break your heart but others will nurture it back into good health. every time i'm upset.. i close myself off to the world knowing that to regain some happiness, even in the slightest amount, all i have to do is pick up my phone and make one easy phone call. i realize now, at this very moment, that i need to stop doing that for my own sake. dwelling in misery isn't going to get you anywhere, it isn't going to change anything. have the courage to stand up to negative thoughts, emotions, etc. and say " i'll never let you get the best of me because i'm better than that.. better than this.. "

" first came the hurricane then the morning sun. " - lil wayne
the sun is always rising in the sky somewhere. don't ever feel like you're alone in this world, something i have felt one too many times until this very day, there's always someone out there who cares about you, wants to help you, and is more than willing to do anything in their power to make sure you're okay.

you can call me.