inhale.

i have finally found not only the time but also the energy and stable state of mind to sit down and write. lately, my mind has been all over the place and people say i feel too damn much!? pft, try taking a trip through my mind on a day where not even a lot is happening.. let alone on a day when some drastic shit happens and lately, drastic shit has been happening to me left and mothertrucking right.

sometimes i sit down and wonder why my major isn't psychology. i've always been fascinated by the human mind and my curiosity goes beyond our solar space. why does this person act like this? why does that person think like that? these are a couple of questions out of many i ask myself on a day to day basis. friendship, such a vital thing to me yet something many people could care less about.. or should i say true friendship? yeah.. that.

my true friendship is unbiased and nonjudgmental, loyal and trustworthy, understanding and forgiving. i'll bend over backwards and give up the very clothes on my back to make sure a true friend is okay but to my dismay, this kind of friendship is hardly ever reciprocated. just when i think i've found it, i get down right slapped in the face. then i look down at my head, as illustrated in my entry picture, and wonder what the hell i was thinking. how do you cope with putting all of your trust in someone and finding out there's major things in their lives they're hiding from you? hell, not even major but MINOR things as well. why am i obligated to let you know everything going in my life when you don't even do such a thing?

friendship. just one of many things which makes my head spin all the way around and back again. i have had such a hard time focusing lately.. enough to self diagnose myself with A.D.D. i've been finding it rather difficult to retain information, not just in class, but all around me. i can barely even focus on one thing, let alone all of the million things life has been throwing my way lately and my memory? it's been in shambles. it doesn't help that i can't find anyone who's been able to help me. i always get the shrug of the shoulders and the "well.. i don't really know what to tell you," followed by several uncomfortable laughs, so i'm left to fend for myself, try to stabilize an unstable mind with.. an unstable mind. [insertfakelaughhere].

i'm not afraid of letting the world know i'm having some trouble. frankly, i'm tired of fear. tired of the internal and external battles i fight on a daily basis over love, lust, friendship, success, good and bad decisions, others passing judgment on me and what have you. i'm tired of being stuck in this perpetual state of trying to be perfect in such an imperfect world. it's suffocating and i need to breathe again.