the world is yours for the taking .

. smile amidst your sadness and you shall find peace .

Smiling is infectious,
You can catch it like the flu.
Someone smiled at me today,

And I started smiling too.

whole heartedly, a gift from me to you.

how many times have you heard someone say: " he or she completes me, " a lot, right? i have too and let me just say that it's probably one of the most ridiculous things i've ever heard. i'm sorry if you've said this in your lifetime.. i don't mean to criticize anyone or anything like that. you still have time to learn to grow out of that awful habit.

i believe a lot of the trouble people have with love comes from the preconceived notion that we have to find someone who makes us whole. take a second to travel through my thoughts with me. you want to give everything you possibly can to that one special person you love, right? well, if you're not "whole" then where in the equation are you giving him or her your everything?

in a lot of relationships i've seen go sour, there seems to be one major thing in common and that's one person (or even both) letting past relationships get in the way. why? because those said persons haven't given their heart the ample time it needs to heal. i've seen people jump from relationship to relationship cursing each and every one they break off from. never have i seen these people take responsibility for what they could possibly be doing wrong. they're breaking heart after heart without even knowing let alone caring. fast forward. pause. play. that good person you rushed to be with genuinely cared about you and because you were too selfish to figure out what it is you REALLY want in a relationship before getting into one, you've now left behind a wound in his or her heart; a wound that will take time to heal, time they could have spent being happy with someone who was more than aware of what they wanted, knew how amazing of a person he or she is, and would never even think of causing him or her any harm.

bottom line, you wouldn't want someone giving you their heart half-assed so don't do that to someone else. wounds take time to heal as does a person's heart. you're the only one who knows what it is you have to work on, don't go putting your burdens on someone else. they have burdens of their own. don't bring your past relationship experiences into your present ones, it won't do you any good, trust me. learn from your mistakes and most importantly, forgive those who hurt you. if you don't have confidence in someone to know they would never purposely hurt you, he or she isn't for you.

love takes time.. lots of it. good, lasting relationships are never rushed. take the time to get to know that special someone inside and out. don't force your feelings on someone else, he or she will flee. keep in mind that not all relationships end up working out how you necessarily wanted them to.. it's okay to let go. don't try making someone happy at the expense of your own happiness. you'll end up miserable and hating yourself and/or that person for it. if a person you are interested in has told you they're not ready for a relationship, trust and believe them. if he or she means that much to you, you'll wait and you'd be surprised at how much you'll be blown out of the water when they finally are and the person they're meant to be with is you.

inhale.

i have finally found not only the time but also the energy and stable state of mind to sit down and write. lately, my mind has been all over the place and people say i feel too damn much!? pft, try taking a trip through my mind on a day where not even a lot is happening.. let alone on a day when some drastic shit happens and lately, drastic shit has been happening to me left and mothertrucking right.

sometimes i sit down and wonder why my major isn't psychology. i've always been fascinated by the human mind and my curiosity goes beyond our solar space. why does this person act like this? why does that person think like that? these are a couple of questions out of many i ask myself on a day to day basis. friendship, such a vital thing to me yet something many people could care less about.. or should i say true friendship? yeah.. that.

my true friendship is unbiased and nonjudgmental, loyal and trustworthy, understanding and forgiving. i'll bend over backwards and give up the very clothes on my back to make sure a true friend is okay but to my dismay, this kind of friendship is hardly ever reciprocated. just when i think i've found it, i get down right slapped in the face. then i look down at my head, as illustrated in my entry picture, and wonder what the hell i was thinking. how do you cope with putting all of your trust in someone and finding out there's major things in their lives they're hiding from you? hell, not even major but MINOR things as well. why am i obligated to let you know everything going in my life when you don't even do such a thing?

friendship. just one of many things which makes my head spin all the way around and back again. i have had such a hard time focusing lately.. enough to self diagnose myself with A.D.D. i've been finding it rather difficult to retain information, not just in class, but all around me. i can barely even focus on one thing, let alone all of the million things life has been throwing my way lately and my memory? it's been in shambles. it doesn't help that i can't find anyone who's been able to help me. i always get the shrug of the shoulders and the "well.. i don't really know what to tell you," followed by several uncomfortable laughs, so i'm left to fend for myself, try to stabilize an unstable mind with.. an unstable mind. [insertfakelaughhere].

i'm not afraid of letting the world know i'm having some trouble. frankly, i'm tired of fear. tired of the internal and external battles i fight on a daily basis over love, lust, friendship, success, good and bad decisions, others passing judgment on me and what have you. i'm tired of being stuck in this perpetual state of trying to be perfect in such an imperfect world. it's suffocating and i need to breathe again.

spontaneous combustion...

it feels like i'm going to explode at any random second and that explosion would look just like the picture to your right. my heart (literally) is average sized or small if you will but (figuratively, metaphorically) it covers the world not once but two, three, four, five... an infinite amount of times. i call it my beautiful disaster. you might be asking yourself what would bring me to call it such a thing? well.. i've loved a lot and have suffered a lot.

i love a lot of things in life and a lot of people. i love waking up in the morning to the sun shining through my window. i love "good morning" text messages. i love holding hands with a special person. i love listening to a person's heartbeat. thump, thump, thump. such a powerful, underestimated, hardly ever acknowledged sound that the most powerful organ in our body makes. i could be angry, sad, hating myself for feeling all of these negative emotions towards things i have no control over.. things which keep going wrong no matter what i do, but all i have to do is be still, be silent, and listen... listen to the heart that keeps on keeping on no matter what life throws my way. i could want to punch a hole through the wall or through someone's face for that matter but my heart knows better so therefore, i know better.

i think with my heart. i've doubted many of its decisions but everything happens for a reason and i'm still breathing. my heart is still beating. that has to count for something, right? sometimes, i catch myself wishing i was someone else. an imaginative figure who doesn't feel any emotion, who goes throughout life taking care of business, doing what needs to be done to survive, and "get his/hers." then i open my eyes and realize that's no way to live life. people will let you down but many others will do right by you. people will break your heart but others will nurture it back into good health. every time i'm upset.. i close myself off to the world knowing that to regain some happiness, even in the slightest amount, all i have to do is pick up my phone and make one easy phone call. i realize now, at this very moment, that i need to stop doing that for my own sake. dwelling in misery isn't going to get you anywhere, it isn't going to change anything. have the courage to stand up to negative thoughts, emotions, etc. and say " i'll never let you get the best of me because i'm better than that.. better than this.. "

" first came the hurricane then the morning sun. " - lil wayne
the sun is always rising in the sky somewhere. don't ever feel like you're alone in this world, something i have felt one too many times until this very day, there's always someone out there who cares about you, wants to help you, and is more than willing to do anything in their power to make sure you're okay.

you can call me.

laughing at yourself is good for your soul. you can laugh at me, too.

spread your wings and fly..

i feel as though someone gave up on me today. life isn't easy.. neither are relationships, neither are friendships. do i scare you? why is it that we tend to most walk out on good things (good people) in our lives? if i could reach through this very computer screen and give you a quick shake, i would. i have let too many people walk out on me but tonight, i'm growing the balls to try and keep you from doing so. People are brought into one's life for a reason. stop closing yourself off, now is not the time to be stoic.

" if you believe in me that changes everything. " if you believe in me, i will make it to you.. one way or another. if you give up on me, i'll be out there, but we just might miss each other. if you believe in me, i'll give you all of the space you need because i know you need it. in a short month, you have exposed some of my deepest imperfections and as i work on fixing them, my life gets that much sweeter. i could sit back and do nothing, let time pull us further and further apart.. not distance. if distance was that key detrimental factor in our friendship's progress, it wouldn't have brought us together in the first place. then again, all i can do is say how i feel and you'll take it how you will, do as you see fit, and i'll have no choice but to accept it. for once in my life, i'm opting to take my chances.

my eyes have opened to the notion that what i'm looking for in a significant other isn't here; he isn't close to home. i've become too comfortable, too stuck in things i shouldn't be stuck in. over the years, i created a bubble around myself, a safe haven that isn't necessarily as safe as i coerced myself into thinking. it's kept me caged in insecurities and fear of flying.. fear of becoming who i was destined to be. there is so much more i want to say to you but i'll simply bring this post to a close with this:

we can go our separate ways. you can be with someone who isn't me, i can be with someone who isn't you. i won't connect with him the way i connected with you, he won't make me smile the way you do, he won't keep me on my toes the way you do, keep me in line when i need to open up my eyes and look reality dead in the face, that glow you instilled in me won't be the same because well, he won't be you. no two exact feelings can be attributed to different people. i'll always be here for you. always.

i called this reflection...

life hasn't been very easy for me from the very first day of the first grade .
no bills, no real responsibilities .. sure, but people had some real harsh things to say .

i cried tears as a newborn baby, as a toddler, as a child, as an adolescent, as an angst teen, and now as a woman .
i've suffered many losses, many friendships too unmeaningful to save, too many promises made and left broken .

plenty of late night dreams of awakening to a father's warm embrace, harsh realizations of waking up empty handed .
one too many encounters with demons in disguises painting beautiful pictures only to leave me jam packed in a corner, stranded .

every ongoing step i take with caution .
no room for error, no time for mistakes in fulfilling what this world deems as perfection .

looking out to the world from inside protective barriers with only room for one .
wondering if all of these things were planned for me when realizing who i've become .

and with all i've had to go through, i'm still here, still believing there can be some good in this world .
giving my all to people who whimsically decide to ignore the heart i've layed at their feet and not say a word to me anymore .

no more .